Home alone Tone

Boarding

papaland — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:23:38 +0000

I went boarding this evening in Woodingdean. I didn’t particularly want to but that was the only option. It was an empty office surrounded by an empty car park. There were loads of signs , smile you’re on cctv, park here and we’ll kill your kids etc. So I smiled and parked there and skated etc. Occaisionally I looked up at the cameras, I read the signs I read the threats and watched the sun go down and was dissapointed. I wondered if they new one of their office windows was open. I wondered if they new they had no fences, no alarms just lots of threats. So I carried on up and down round about until an annonymous voice on an anonymous loudspeaker told me to leave or face arrest. I waved at the camera, smiled and as I walked towards the car they said thank you. I wanted to tell them there window was open and wanted to tell them they had no fences. All I really wanted was a conversation. At Whitehawk on Wilson Drive I flashed someone for having no lights and got the two fingers; won’t anyone talk to me.

The Velodrome

papaland — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:36:08 +0000

Today I did some longboarding at Preston Park velodrome. People take the piss and have a chortle but what am I meant to do; yatching, golf, running. I tried swimming, that was good but you get very wet and get flu. I admit you do see people with most of their clothes off but usually they have goggles on and look like prunes. After about a half hour of non stop swimming/ drowning you do get happy but it generally doesn’t last especially when you leave your pound in the locker. I enjoy longboarding quite a lot. I’ve tried to put this feeling over to Fiona but it get’s lost somewhere over the kitchen table, probably highjacked by the kids. Adolescents sit in the middle of the track smoking spliffs amused at my efforts to hold on to my youth. Skateboarders do a few turns and a BMX scout rides by. Dog walkers apologise for my heels getting snapped and say he only ever does it to cars, usually. What I really like about longboarding is if you do it in the same spot long enough people come and chat to you. I met a tennis coach today who moaned about his fifteen year old protege. He talked about motivation, hunger and balance. Balance apart from attitude was very important. If you didn’t have balance you had nothing, you couldn’t play the shot. He told me I had balance, he told me he’d been watching me. Eventually his protege returned from lapping the park and we smiled and pretended we weren’t talking about him. As they walked off together I flew down the track and fell on my arse!

Hotpants

papaland — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:27:12 +0000

I was painting today. I haven’t painted for a while, well since yesterday. All I can say is I enjoyed it so much I thought I’d get my brush out again. I’m doing the tricky triangle bits on the stairs in white surrounded by a red carpet. I think we’re getting rid of the carpet but just in case I’m being coy with dripping paint. I don’t want Fiona to return from the street party meeting to a Jackson Pollack carpet. I’ve got to the stage now five months into the job where I paint in my pants. It’s not a Health and Efficiency drive but a clothes one. I don’t want to buy anymore clothes, so I don’t paint in them. Unfortunately my pants weren’t the respectable boxers you’d expect but a pair of primark Hotpants. It goes without saying I don’t generally wear them in full public view despite regular requests. Tonight though was an exception as the front door leads to the stairs and before I realised there was shriek followed by a howl of laughter. I turned around in my pants and Sid James T shirt to see Fiona and her friends guffawing loudly.

Weighing Scales

papaland — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:25:01 +0000

Fiona bought some weighing scales today. They’re like the old ones but bigger. I’ve never really liked them as they don’t have a dial. Instead they’re digital meaning you have to stand on them first then get off, wait, and stand again. Sounds okay but trying doing that when the kids are around; no sooner you’re off than they’re on or they want their bum wiped. I like dials aswell, Fiona will probably say it’s a comfort thing if I mention it so I don’t. I want to say dials don’t have batteries. I want to say what about the kitchen scales, they’ve got batteries aswell at four pounds a shot. I should have bought new ones, countless dinners have been ruined but four quid is four quid. I’m sure when I cook with Leo and Sophie they’d prefer dials aswell, I think it’s more explanatory than a load of numbers that just pop up out of the blue. They also tend to vary, at five o’clock I was 12 stone eight at seven I was 13 stone two. I would use kilos but that’s another story.

Banisters

papaland — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:20:17 +0000

I painted the remaining banisters today. It’s an on going topic of conversation that ranges from congratulations when I wet the brush to threats of illegal labour when I don’t. Usually the illegal labour comes in the form of leaflets stuck through the door. They announce on the leaflets- No job too small-followed by a promise that they painted Noah’s Ark brackets, cash prefered. As I my dipped my brush I listened to Buzz Aldrin on radio Bore talk about his moon landing. He was remarkably modest blaming all and sundry for his accomplishments. Then I couldn’t help thinking he might have flown to the moon and back but what’s his painting like. Does he load the brush, wipe then apply two strokes or simply stroke without wiping or perhaps stroke too much, a common affliction. On returning home I wonder when he picked up a brush again. I mean do space heroes decorate or do they get someone in. Was Mrs Aldrin sitting there in front of the box watcing I Love Lucy dropping hints to her husband- okay Christs sake Buzz you been to the moon but you let the house go. – The only comment I got was -Did you stir it?-

No more builders

papaland — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 21:14:44 +0000

They went and now you spend all day wondering round the house thinking I should have asked them to do that and this and that. After eleven weeks though everybody wants to leave. They want to leave because they’ve got a better offer. We want them to leave because we want our house back. Everything was fine until they gave us a leaving date then Fiona started going stir crazy. I think she thought we’d get our house back intact when all we got is an attic with bare walls, and a house with barer walls. Well that was two months ago and I’m still painting. When the builders came to discuss snags, we just waved them away in a – we want our house back- I could have mentioned blah blah blah and they could have mentioned blah blah blah, so Fiona bought them a thank you card instead. Anyway so the toilet leaks and they’ve been back a few times, so we got a new toilet and it still leaks so I wonder around the house with the kids saying – I should have mentioned that I should have mentioned this- but you don’t because you’re greatful they onlly left teabags under the floor boards.

Hanging Up The Washing

papaland — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:08:31 +0000

I hang up the washing regularly. That’s one of my jobs, hanging up the washing. At the bank when they asked me for an occupation I said- I hang up the washing-the woman at the desk laughed as I added -every day-. So it came as a suprise when Fiona commented on my technique. I never new there was a technique but there is apparently. Do what you want with any of the clothes but when it comes to Fiona’s shirts hang them upside down. Fiona told me why at the time, about a year ago but she explained again yesterday. I was hanging out her shirts and she talked to me about peg marks and shoulders. I wanted to ask her why it took a year to mention it again. Why didn’t she tick me off at the end of every week or every day so I could take the appropriate measures . She doesn’t seem to mind how I hang anybody else’s clothes. Sophie and Leo’s clothes embrace peg marks while mine are so worn the pegs double them in price. Perhaps I should inovate and take the initiative. After all Fiona always remarks about the latter and not the former; knot the arms?

Drills

papaland — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:27:02 +0000

I saw one of the women from playgroup at the petrol station. We don’t usually chat so I was suprised when she came over and started chatting about her husband. it’s his birthday and she was stuck for a present. So I suggested a drill but what was shocking is what I said afterward.- Men,- I said -they all like drills-. I sat in the car afterwards thinking have I finaly turned into a women have I finaly grown ovaries. Worse still, then I thought I should have suggested a shaver, why? It’s the way I suggested it to her aswell in a conspirational pally way. Is that what happens after years of bringing up kids surrounded by women, you just change into one. I saw her at playgroup last week and didn’t chat to her. I was determined not to ask her and I didn’t. I was proud I didn’t so felt bad when I ran into her at the newsagents. We just said shaver together and laughed out loud. best go home and check if I have breasts.

Rude

papaland — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:26:45 +0000

I’m reading a book by anais Nin. Well when I say I’m reading it, I’m not really. After Biggles I wanted a bit of sauce but i didn’t want the whole bottle. Biggles was great, heroics were great but you need a bit of sauce. So I thought Anais Nin might provide it. Unfortunately everybody is at it even the full stops and commas. You can’t turn a page without being covered in writhing bodies and choreographed hip movements. The missionary position in this book is a missionary position with a dog collar. I thought I had a reasonable imagination but I can feel a Biggles coming on . I never realised it was so easy to be rude. In this book people just meet eachother and are rude. They don’t go for a meal or have a chat they’re just rude. They don’t even say -let’s be rude- . I’ve never managed to be rude like that. Suddenly Algy Ginger and Bigglesworth seem quite reasonable characters who sleep in bed and exhaust themselves saving the world. I know they’re not rude but you know they probably could be if they weren’t so busy doing man things. I put it down to simply not having the time. I imagine in peace time they’re at it like rabbits .

Builders

papaland — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:24:33 +0000

The builders are coming tommorrow. They’re starting by putting in an RSJ. That’s what they said anyway.- Monday bang it’s done- that’s what they said. So when they rang up and asked for Kathy, Fiona stuck by her guns and insisted her name was Fiona. The person on the other end insisted it was Kathy then told us what he was going to do to Kathy’s house. This doesn’t bode well I told Fiona. If he thinks your Kathy God knows what he thinks of me. In all the conversations we had I sat there meekly while Fiona did all the chatting. I did give my name initialy but managed to sweat alot. So if they’ve forgotten my name they’ve prrobably given me one associated with persperation. The big test will be the biscuits. A friend down the road had her attic done and it all went pear shaped. She’s convinced it was the biscuits. She offered them amerretos on their first day and nothing seemed to go right from that moment. Apparently one had been nibbled but returned to the plate while the other six remained intact. All she wanted to do was be a bit cosmopolitan. The next day she tried to make amend with Rich Tea but it was all a bit late. I might try choccolate biscuits and see if they remember my name.